This Sunday is the holiday known as Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day 2012 is actually the 98th official Mother’s Day, and its origins stretch long before that. It was originally a holiday for mothers who lost sons in the civil war, and was later broadened to honor all mothers. Soon after it was characterized by the rampant commercialism we all know and love today. In fact, Anna Marie Jarvis, the woman responsible for the holiday’s popularity in America, spent the end of her life campaigning against the bastardization of Mother’s Day. Sending a greeting card is just a way of saying you’re too lazy to actually write a letter, she said. Was she right? Probably. At any rate, she died penniless, having spent her inheritance fighting the greeting cards. The greeting cards won, and the wheel in the sky kept on turning. Anyway.
There’s a lot of fallacious reasoning going on with mothers and Mother’s Day. You might take a lot of these for granted, but let’s examine the following statements.
You should spend time with your mother on Mother’s Day – INVALID
You should maybe spend Sunday with your mom. But what if she was a terrible mother? What if she abandoned you in a drainage ditch when you were five years old, leaving you to fight off rats, and then use those same rats for sustenance? Have some self-respect. Don’t go see that monster.
You should get your mother a Mother’s Day Card – INVALID
Mother’s Day cards are a sham. Take a tip from Anna Marie Jarvis, and write your mom a letter. To make sure it gets there on time, don’t mail it – fax it! That will ensure that it gets there on time, and it’ll remind her of the fax machine you got her for Christmas.
You should get your mother a box of chocolates – INVALID
What are you thinking? Are you trying to kill her? You know she’s diabetic! Is this supposed to be some sort of joke? Because it’s not funny. It’s hard enough living with adult onset diabetes without having your ungrateful children rub it in your face with insensitive gag gifts. Look, maybe you should just leave.
So keep those handy tips in mind this Sunday, and let’s all get up and dance to a song that was a hit before your mother was born.